Fireworks

In the nick of time
To save me from the fatal nick
Of steel against wrist
The scent of gunpowder
The urgent starburst of flame
The Italian neighbourhood brought to life
Cries of joy in the night
Save me from myself yet again
How can I choose death?
Life so rich and full abounds
Mere steps from my door
And so I turn the blade
Return it to the kitchen
Put on my winter coat and join my neighbours
Savouring cannoli and sweet wine
I watch the children's faces
And choose to live
No pain is so great that I can't see beauty
In this Italian neighbourhood
With its fireworks and folly
Always there to awaken me
From darkness and despair
In the nick of time

Broken

Broken?
I'm not broken
I don't need fixing
And I never asked you to
You say but but but...
What about being molested as a child
Raped as an adult
The melancholy?
Yes, these are truths
But they don't mean I am broken
I don't need saving
I am not your project
I am not here to feed your ego
I am not your ticket to being a heroine
You say but but but
What about being brave enough to trust
Having photos taken
The vulnerability?
Yes, these were challenges
But they were small triumphs within a broader one
I was never broken
You chose that story
With closed ears and blurred vision
And discarded me when I refused to fit
Like so much garbage
Painting me as unable to be saved
When I never needed saving in the first place
Goodbye and good luck
Try the puppet routine elsewhere
Because I was never broken

Adelaide

I'm home again
Slouching, content
With a dark ale
And a bright pen
In the cosy light of the Exeter
Loose ends don't need tying
Now that all is calm
What a surprise
To feel no longer frantic
What a sweet relief
To have no use for panic
What balm for the soul
To squiggle away small worries
With a bright pen
In the half dark
Of my hometown

Princess

Please don't call me princess
I was always princess to him
I do not wish to write his name
I remember well enough
Those cold eyes
Those clammy hands
Cheap tobacco on his breath
Cheap camera in his grasp
And me on his lap
The seven year old princess
Scrawny
Auburn ringlets
Earnest eyes of emerald
So very trusting
So very proud of our secret
Saved by puberty
The princess became undesirable
Too womanly for his tastes
But I remember well enough
Those fervent stares
Those desperate whispers
Cheap perfume bought my silence
Cheap words twisted my heart
And I have forgiven
The thirty year old woman
Muscular
Auburn waves
Emotive eyes of emerald
So very wary
So very hard to handle
Saved by love
The tough girl became open again
Too wretched to continue hiding
But I remember well enough
So please
Don't call me princess

True North

I have lost my compass
Self sabotage triumphs yet again
And I am masterless
Rudderless
Cold and jaded and spent
I am lost
Being out of service
Out of reach
Some may consider this freedom
But I find peace in being bound
Grief of my own making
Muddies my vision
Knots my heart
Sends colossal walls of stone
To guard my soul
I strive to be worthy of service
I must forge a new path
I must be my own true north

Tantrum

I'm fed up with bleeding
With being too sore to walk
I'm sick of surgery walls
That insipid shade of pistachio
I want to feel well
To get up and dance
I want to go out
To get dolled up
Smoky eyeliner
Red lipstick
High heeled boots
Tight black jeans
Low cut top
Sultry perfume
I want to be carefree
To laugh until I cry
To share private jokes with my mates
I want to stay out late
To smoke clove cigarettes
To drink tequila
To sing so much I lose my voice
I want to flirt with strangers
And be bold again
If I met me now I wouldn't recognise myself
So very very sore and sad and sorry
I want to recover quickly
I want to be the best version of me
I'm fed up with all this blood
All this pain
Being a misery for everyone around me
I want to get well
And I want to go home

Requiem Aeternam, Ruby

Goodbye, sweet Ruby
You surprised
And exasperated everyone
Your time has come
Free at last
I wish you peace
And quiet
For your troubled mind
Too dark to be soothed
Sweet sleep awaits you
Let go and fly
Into deep peace
Rest, Ruby
Mors tua, vita mea