napowrimo2020 #30 (misdirect)

a part of me snatched away
and leaving a wake of open
red wounds criss-crossed
upon my palms and scalp
the silver threads in the sink
the scissors on the floor
split ends cut away
and a fresh fade shaved
always takes longer
if you're clumsy

napowrimo2020 #29 (one last thing)

just before I go
let me leave a message 
to keep you warm 
you owe nobody
your brilliance
you owe nothing
your pondering 
you are liquid
platinum

napowrimo2020 #28 (emergence)

trauma is bitter
I am bitter
and closed 
ramparts for a heart

healing is ugly
I am ugly
and leaking
mind outside the lines

napowrimo2020 #27 (off prompt/funny girl)

humour used to obliterate the blues
and I was such a funny girl
such a good sport
because god knows if you're weird
and un-pretty and too clever
you better be funny
you better be so funny that nothing
they do can hurt you
and nothing they say
can reach in and erode
your armour from the inside out
you better be funny, girl
you better have them
rolling in the aisles

napowrimo2020 #26 (freewrite/chronic)

stopping the weeping
is more exhausting
than drinking the
saltwater sneaking
into the corners of my mouth
and nothing helps
nothing helps
nothing helps
not pills
not booze
not rest
sleep is a distant friend
not talking to me anymore
and I'm disappearing
before my own eyes

napowrimo2020 #25 (off prompt/tanka)

swirling black and red
evidence in the water
lingering stubborn
pointing a tainted finger
aiming for the shame of me

napowrimo2020 #24 (freewrite/fabric)

never was a satin girl
this body is tweed
built for utility
not softness 

napowrimo2020 #23 (off prompt/janet frame erasure)

away from the noisy screaming people
sticks and straw of human contact
searing ragged corona
morbid curiosity
distance

napowrimo2020 #22 (note to self, take two)

you're in the royal box now
but you remember the cheap seats
the bruises and the sweat and the heat
you're bathing in rubies now
but you used to be covered in pins
and secondhand lipstick for your sins
you remember
so don't get ahead of yourself
don't go forgetting the wraith inside
and the price you paid for comfort
and the light you used to hide
you remember
so tread gently

napowrimo2020 #21 (note to self)

penning a love letter
back through time
a love tardis
for myself
and in it there's
secrets
stories of survival
and revelations
about my sadness
and in it there's
forgiveness
for how I coped

napowrimo2020 #20 (disappearing)

even as the auburn fades to silver

she is steadfast and gently

trading pigment for

wisdom

napowrimo2020 #19 (cryptic clues)

caught in a hive
a blossom once removed
from leather

napowrimo2020 #18 (off prompt/punk)

one two three brittle
scars from the hot hot needles 
she counts one two three little scars

napowrimo2020 #17 (freewrite/ink)

ink follows me
under the skin
spiking the tongue
staining the pocket
ink leads me
bleeding the heart
marking the palms
sketching the hope
ink sustains me

napowrimo2020 #16 (exercise/lateral/why)

these wrists
these hands 
these fingers
they never stop
stopping them
means the head 
will start
and once the head starts
there's no turning back
some people call it 
neurodivergence
i call it
survival

napowrimo2020 #15 (edited/re-work/erasure)

almost-formed text-flesh
remember-able and risky
a map of bravura
a sentry at the gates of love 

napowrimo2020 #14 (all-nighter/no sleep 'til grad school)

midnight oil
of cloves
in steam-curls
and a stack of papers
no, research
it's research now
we're an adult now
all grown up
seeking that one
sentence that
satisfies the readers
of my suitability
for further study
no, research
it's research now
we're an adult now
all grown up
with an oil diffuser
and a bad back
and too many exes
and a goal
and everything
no, research
it's research now
we're an adult now
all grown up
we'll stay up and
greet the sun
with satisfaction
when we find it
and have coffee 
in lieu of sleep
at three thirty three
it appears 
the sentence
kathy-fucking-acker
smiles at my study
no, research
it's research now
we're an adult now
all grown up
and way past our bedtime

napowrimo2020 #13 (only human left)

sole survivor

scenting solitude

she sheds layers

and lingers

unencumbered

in the saltwater

lets the sand scrub her feet

washes away the gifts of sin and shame

and sings

to nobody but the birds

napowrimo2020 #12 (recipe for a home)

two cups of tea
one mint
one earl grey
four sweet treats
two at eleven
two at three
six hours of silence
three at dawn
three at dusk
and fresh basil
at every window

napowrimo2020 #11 (freeze-frame haiku)

tender sandalwood
teases a bare shoulder blade
flirting with the sun

napowrimo2020 #10 (freewrite)

shut the door to the world
but all the old demons 
have crept in under
the floorboards
to feast

napowrimo2020 #9 (campaigning)

consent based sex ed
judgement free terminations
and free beer for all

napowrimo2020 #8 (happy place)

once in a while

there is silence

and tea

and no interruptions

just black ink

white paper

a green silk kimono

and unhurried

breathing

napowrimo2020 #7 (long distance love)

flags flown in windows
spell out our vows
separated by responsibility
we connect digitally
colour coded comments
secret passions hidden
in plain sight
we are Bletchley girls
for heart-songs
no-one else can hear

napowrimo2020 #6 (solitary)

sixty days solo
sent to think about what i've done
but instead I chisel fingernails into talons
with restless teeth
and pluck out every body hair
one by one by hand 

sixty days solo
still don't understand what I did
but maybe crazy is more dangerous
than evil 
I heard the nurses gossip as the flap opened
four little words

'they let him go'

napowrimo2020 #5 (opting out)

i forget

who i was before

these interwoven diagnoses

barricaded and beleaguered me

i dare not imagine another malady 

napowrimo2020 #4 (slippery)

days shimmering with 
abundance and promise pass
right through my fingers

napowrimo2020 #3 (for the nurses)

for the sixteen hour shifts

for the cracked lips

for the vice-like bladders

kept waiting waiting waiting

for the queens in blue 

for those who are spat on

for those who are shat on

while giving giving giving

everything they have

everything we take

we salute you

napowrimo2020 #2 (the bright side)

the big dark

barricades the door

bars the windows

a false cage

kept locked by pain

but inside

with nobody watching

my own two hands

spin gold

from a pencil case

shards of gilt-light

spill out 

from the cracks

illuminating

the big dark

napowrimo2020 #1 (lonely)

no talking mirrors here
no soul to feed but mine
and I am good at starving