city east writing retreat #1

snakes of sweat send signals along spines separated by sounds of doubt sent down along the years all those years spent scurrying out of sight around corners stolen time and crowded rooms hid our hand holding hurried glances will it be like this forever for another eighteen years send me some kind of sign that only my soul can decipher save the discussion for another day bound by secrets you are so very fucking perfectly flawed and never ever ever false find me here when you least expect it always making me laugh wantonly you're a fuckstress and sometimes you just can't be fadged but nevertheless you seem to choose me even in the wake of all those sports model perfect opportunities that present themselves relentlessly you still choose to sit with me saving each second of tenderness and toothy grins and you're the only head i can stand to have against my shoulder all the others are just too heavy too submissive too dependent too demanding you hold me without fear of being broken and so i guess this is what trust feels like and maybe i've not been patient enough before never stuck it out like this before do you see the way we always come back to one another do you see how my feet always find your street even in the dark even in the rain even in the mirage heat of highest summer and do you see that you've been pulling me to you for eighteen years do you see that do you see how you save the best jokes for me how you can't wait to feed me tenderest sweetmeats and bracing coffee and cool my scars with frosted icy glass do you see that i can only hope that it never wavers this easy affection i heard a new queer term called mesh which makes room the type of love that defies categorisation is that us is that us is that us perhaps perhaps we are just too hurt and cannot be tempted to fall into the abyss of neurosis that so easily accompanies such conventional affairs sold to us as the ultimate peak of status we were never meant to make that dream come true i can't be fenced in by white pickets and ticky tacky and neither can you you would drown in domesticity it would rob you of your light and even though it breaks our mothers hearts we will never make two point three cherubs with inky ringlets rosy cheeks and hands fit for concert hall musicians i want to be suspended in the moment you first looked at me with those electric lashes blurring your vision just enough so you could see the future i was living into and i want to hear you telling your brother about how smart i am again even it was simply a riposte to him asking if you were dating me because we never know how to respond to that question it's never quite a no is it never quite a yes either even though our faces flush and our arms are driven together as if magnetised by destiny so what can we do do we go on paving the city streets with our desire mapping routes of connection endlessly a fractal pattern that leads only to each other even when it is interrupted by passing distractions shaped like lust disguised as passion but revealed to be violence at the sticking point sending us inevitably back to one another parched lonely hurting you always make me smile when i want to die always lift me out of that space under the bed too scared to come out because there's knives out there and my wrists are simply aching aching for the blade begging for sweetest oblivion you always remind me that friendship is a salve and that i have lived through so much worse so one cup of coffee with you is all it takes to bring me back to me and i can only hope i've done the same for you you say nobody can pronounce your name but that's not true is it your family can and your mother makes the best breakfast this side of the city and she doesn't bat an eyelid because we're mates and she phones the landline because who else would phone the landline and i miss our twenties do you remember how free we were always rolling in up to the teeth with vodka stripping off and taking snapshots of our perfect fucking skin wearing nothing but a top hat or laughing until we cried in the wee hours on the stupid bloody sofa-bed your cherry entrusted to me to devour tenderly and you held me then much as you do now i think you're the only lover i've ever had who doesn't despise me so that must be why i cannot let you go so if we stay like this this will be paradise i wouldn't change a thing about you i miss our fifties when we will go on adventures because we can finally afford to when we will laugh with our precious friends around tables groaning with baking and reflect on life's lessons learnt the hard way we will eventually wake up with one another not all the time but from time to time and time will hold us to our promises and you will still be whisking me away into the dark for kisses when we're way beyond such childishness  waste away with me by the ocean slake my thirst and i'll feed you for a hundred years face the dark days and the sleepless nights and the utter utter horror of it all let's not be lonesome let's be daring and trick our frightened palms into touching something tangible let's be fools for once twice thrice i have confessed to you all of my sins this cursed tongue and this demon flesh are wholly mine when in your arms but might you bless me with your sanctuary of company might you take my busy mind and quiet it with your musician's fingers might you take a chance on this fire