after

i came to and it smelled like the inside of a stoner's hoodie
i came to and my feet were wet and dirty
i came to and he wouldn't show me his face
i came to and i knew, i knew, i knew
i came to and wondered how many times
i came to and everything hurt
i came to and he stuffed my hand full of gold coins
i came to and he phoned for a taxi
i came to and had no phone, no shoes, no wallet
i came to and went straight to the police
i came to and was met with immediate shame, guilt, judgement
i came to and i was pregnant
i came to and wanted to die, to die, to die
i came to and suddenly had no home
i came to and my arms were red all over
i came to and wanted to pass out again, forever
i came to and felt their hatred burnt into my bones
i came to and was a hundred years older
i came to and forced my heart closed, closed, closed
i came to and he had dressed me in a mambo tshirt
i came to and he turned away from me
i came to and waited for the needless probing
i came to and couldn't wash myself
i came to and waited for the termination date
i came to and figured i was unlovable now
i came to and he declared me an object
i came to and it smelled like defeat
i came to and it smelled like grief
i came to and it smelled like blood
i came to and it smelled like burns
i came to and it smelled like death