Girl

You were there
When you wanted your cock sucked
You were there
When you wanted a hole to puncture
You were there
When you wanted a listener
You were there
When you wanted
A masseuse
A cook
A cleaner
A painter
A tiler
A brick shithouse
To carry your fucking
Dusty dirty furniture
From shed to trailer
And into another shed

But where are you now?
When I cannot stop
Crying until I retch
I cannot stop
Punching myself in the gut
I cannot stop
Hurting myself
Until I do more damage than you did
So I can forget about you
And how ugly you made me
How useless
How unlovable
How you ignored the safe words
Then blamed me for bleeding
Blamed me for fainting
And you did nothing
But laugh and sneer
And harangue me about my weight
My size
My face
My voice
My soul
You did nothing
And left me dizzy and bloodless
And wishing for death
Because I could never please you

You were there
When I cried
For a relative lost to cancer
And you punished me for it
Caned me black and purple
After the funeral
In front of your perfect girl
You were there
To humiliate and degrade
To manipulate and brainwash
To take advantage
You promised to help
Heal my trauma
Instead you got your kicks
Re-traumatising me
You cracked my spine
And now I can't stand
For more than an hour
And every time I hear
The word "girl"
My hands curl into fists

Well I'm not your girl anymore
You were there
When I left
And you didn't say goodbye
You didn't even look at me
The girl you said you treasured
The girl you said you cared for
You were there
And you never cared for me
Just for you
I used to apologise for my existence
For wasting your time
But not now
Now I'm sorry I wasted my time
And my precious trust on you
Now I'm sorry for your existence
And anybody unfortunate enough
To encounter your sick personality

Fuck you
You filthy fucking degenerate